“It was Friday night when my son Bryan wanted to use the car. I didn’t want him to use it – partly because I saw him as someone irresponsible, troublemaking, and disrespectful – so I gave an insanely early curfew time (10.30pm) that I didn’t think he would accept. Bryan accepted the condition, took the car key, and stormed out of the house. My husband and I were both complaining about Bryan while keeping an eye on the clock. At 10.29pm, we heard the squeal of tires in the driveway. And you know what? In that moment, when I saw the time, I felt a keen pang of disappointment.” – summarised version of a case study (page 91 to 98) of how we may just want the problem to occur to prove that we are right.
When was the last time that you even before interacting with someone, you have formed this perception on him or her that affected your subsequent actions without you consciously knowing it? A partner who places career as a higher priority than you because he or she works late most of the time, a client who is demanding and unreasonable because every time you talk to him or her on the phone your blood pressure goes up, a coworker who is incompetent because he or she just can’t deliver what you asked for. With this sort of perceptions in mind, do you see each of them as a person with his or her own needs or an obstacle to what you are trying to achieve? People have this tendency to put blame on others without realising that by doing so creates the problem of resistance that is hard to solve. The problem is this: How can we simultaneously (1) create our own problems, (2) be unable to see that we are creating our own problems, and (3) resist any attempts to help us stop creating those problems?
“Leadership and Self-Deception” is written by The Arbinger Institutes. I first heard of this book from one of my clients (a large organisation in the public sector). For those entities that have sent their executives to this Arbinger Course, I noticed a significant difference to those entities that have not. Executives who are trained for this course communicate in a much open manner to people across levels. Issues are discussed and decisions are made with everyone feeling good on how the situations are handled. Compare this with some of the meetings I have participated with clients getting personal with one and other, issues beget more issues, and at the end of the meeting, nothing gets done.
Not only have I seen the difference between entities that have attended the training and the entities that have not, I have also witnessed the difference in people’s behaviour before and after the training. At the beginning of the project with one of the entities in this large organisation, we had difficulties even to gather the executives of each branch (took 6 months to arrange) and when the “big day” came, some were late, some were on the phone, some even suggested to abort the project. Then one day, one of the branch head invited us, the consultants, for a coffee break and he apologised for not being supportive throughout this project. And he went on sharing with us what he has learned in this “Leadership and Self-Deception” course. From that day onwards, we have witnessed that the branch heads were more engaging during workshops and a common goal was achieved.
After seeing all these wonderful effects this course has on people, I have picked up the book from a bookstore and started reading. I would say the concept is not new, the methodology is straightforward, and the authors have chosen a storytelling mode to educate the readers. It is not easy I suppose because unlike workshops, book reading is a one way communication. The scenarios painted in the book have to be generic enough to appeal to the general public.
At the personal level, I started reading the book with the mindset of “I don’t have this problem and just read for fun” and halfway through the materials, it was changed into “I do at times have this problem and thank God I am reading this”. Since then, I have passed the book to Cynthia. “Leadership and Self-Deception” is not a tool to solve all your problems (Cynthia and I initially thought so). But it helps you to solve one of the most persistent problems you have – self-deception.
