Category: Diary

What bothers me most is not one day I am fine, another day I end up with a scar on my brow. What bothers me most is that I do not recall how it happened.

I was on a bicycle in the early Saturday morning. I must have been cycling pretty fast because when I collected my bicycle from the security guards who cared for me before the ambulance arrived, it was in the lowest gear (or was I really cycling fast at the moment of the accident?). The bicycle looks okay. In fact, while my face took the most hit, my body besides a few minor scratches with a bit of soreness was okay too.

But how?

If I were to fall off at a high speed, I would have ended up with some nasty scratches on my exposed arms and legs. According to eyewitnesses, I hit a pillar. But how? Wouldn’t the bicycle take the first hit? Wouldn’t I have hit my back while falling down? I was wearing a helmet. How would my eye get hit so badly?

I said I was being assaulted. But no one believes me.

You know that feeling when you feel like you are drifting, not in control of where you are heading? You want to be grounded with something, just anything. But the sense of uncertainty is overwhelming you. That paralyzed feeling. You sleep, wake up, take a nap, and soon sleep again. How many days? How many days more?

I am dying to tell this to the world. But I can’t. Because I need this to happen first, then that to happen, and then …

But when?

At work, I thrive in crises. I love the firefighting, getting that high feeling. But when the work I do is in constant crisis and will be so for the next six months, one year, it isn’t a crisis anymore. Just business as usual. Our COO rallied the people today to charge forward. I admire his tenacity. In my mind, I thought of something I have learned two decades ago …

A death march.

Inflation. Rising interest rate. Looming recession. Ongoing pandemic. That war desperately needs a conclusion. US versus China. A retirement plan that already requires reassessment, is put at risk. Our world is full of surprises. Where is hope?

I love painting but don’t feel like painting these days. I love making music but don’t feel like creating music these days. I love video gaming but nothing really excites me these days.

Gosh. I need to move on. You need to move on. Why? So that we can move forward.

I am glad that I have bought a new iPhone. At least, I love photography and I am trying to take some pictures every day.

And oh. Yes, I love to blog. Still do. An overdue rekindled passion.

I knew the actress looks familiar when I watched Finding Mr. Right on Netflix tonight. It was none other than Tang Wei. I watched Lust, Caution back in 2007, right after I joined a bank – my current employer. Also roughly the year I met April whom I have met once again tonight through a bank event.

What a coincidence.

Find Mr. Right is an amazing Chinese movie inspired by I supposed Sleepless in Seatle. But it’s way better.

A Chinese mistress who has decided to give birth to her son in the US – because she couldn’t have done so in China – fell in love with her driver who is a divorcee with a daughter. What a great recipe for a story. I was genuinely moved. Tang Wei is such a great actress. She doesn’t age at all. She is timeless.

Back to this evening. I have attended yet another event organized by my bank. Yet another talk on recession and rising interest rates. I didn’t manage to meet my relationship manager. But I am thankful for yet another nice meal at a hotel.

If I am to sum up the evening, it is about reducing expenses and grow income.

Motherhood statement eh?

Back to April, as it turns out, she recognized me before I do. She prides herself on having a “face recognition” ability. I don’t dispute that. I am terrible at recognizing faces or names.

April arrived late. And immediately upon being seated, she struck up a conversation with me. 15 years I have been with this bank, she brought back all the fond memories and the painful ones. Not exactly remember what she did. But I do remember her being in her black dresses.

But hey, we age. Though she said I didn’t.

Cosmetic.

In the end, memories keep flooding in. Yes, I do remember.

We made fun of April. She does have a sister called May, doesn’t she?! In fact, I remember she has two sisters. April, May, June …

Let’s talk about some of the “longer” videos I have watched on YouTube of late.

Ironically, while I am a YouTube content creator who tends to live stream and create rather long videos of more than an hour each, I seldom spend the same amount of time watching YouTube videos. I could argue that if I do, I would have no time to create content.

I have watched the 45 minutes long video of a Chopin Competition on YouTube. It was a Concerto in E minor, Op. 11. To be frank, I am more familiar with Beethoven and Mozart. I enjoy listening to a piano concerto – or violin concerto for that matter. But my head just doesn’t seem to be able to wrap around Chopin.

Aimi Kobayashi is a Japanese pianist with a small frame. I observed that perhaps as a ritual, she would arrange her pendant at the beginning of each movement. To ensure that the musical note was facing the front. She has this very intense look while playing the piano. Almost uncomfortable to watch. I felt as though my face cringed watching her playing the piano. Chopin doesn’t talk to me. Listening to his music through Aimi, Op. 11 must have been a very painful piece of music.

I can’t really tell how great the performance was. Reading some of the comments, Aimi has taken the liberty to slow down the music and interpret it the way she wanted to tell her story (slow pain, perhaps). Some commented that this must have put her in the fourth position rather than higher. Again, I am no expert. I was used to having different Swan Lake CDs and each has its own pace. She must have had such high confidence whereby she didn’t even need the musical scores in front of her. That was the very first thing I noticed when she sat in front of the piano, even before she performed. I often visualize myself in the performer’s shoes when I watch a live recording.

Another video I watched was titled “Russell Peters | Notorious Full Special” (70 mins). It was recorded in Australia in 2013 in front of 14,000 fans. What a huge turnout! These days, I love standup comedies. These comedians have special skills. Some like Russell Peters are able to interact with the crowd and crack jokes on the fly.

But that’s not what I am trying to say in this post. In that video, Russell made some jokes about tattoos (and how people would regret having them). This evening, it was raining. Not too heavy to the point whereby I couldn’t go out. But it wasn’t too light either. Yet, I saw many people walking outdoors without umbrellas.

When I arrived at the nearest food center, I ordered QQ la mien set that came with four dumplings and a small bowl of soup. Somehow, on a rainy day, I craved that.

Opposite me was a Chinese man of a very large size. His thigh was as big if not bigger than my waist. He wore no expression eating his chicken chop and chips quietly. Underneath his right forearm, there were very large English words saying “Good Boy”. I recalled Russell Peters’s video on tattoos and I was quietly giggling inside. As I was wondering why a Chinese man of his size would tattoo “Good Boy” on his arm, I saw more English words on his left forearm. I couldn’t see very clearly at first. But I could guess that must be “Bad Boy”.

What a bizarre pair of tattoos. Maybe he is forever torn between good and evil.

Shortly after I have started eating my dinner, I saw this girl who worked at the stall nearby. She was also of a larger frame compared to her other colleague although nothing compared to Good-boy-bad-boy. She kept on hitting his arm hard. I mean, that looked like real punches. Good-boy-bad-boy was emotionlessly still. The girl seemed to be playful with him. Hitting him. Touching his phone (he was watching something I would presume). They could be …

Siblings?

And then I recalled, this Good-boy-bad-boy is actually the chef at the mixed rice stall! I vividly remember how impressed I was when I saw him cook the dishes. When I cook Chinese dishes, I cook for 1 or 2 potions. When he cooks, he cooks for I reckon 50 to 100 potions at a time. That is some mad skill and strength. He did it with such dexterity and speed. It was fun to watch.

Looking back, I don’t think that they are siblings. Maybe the girl likes to bully him. Maybe he is a teddy bear at heart despite his size and his good-boy-bad-boy tattoos.

I am a gamer at heart. When I was a young boy – early teen – my dad got me into video gaming. For more than three decades, I have never looked back. I played so many video games that I initially created my own YouTube channel as a social experiment. But it turns out to be a hobby. My creative outlet. A unique way to connect with like-minded people.

Inevitably, some would ask, if I would have to create a video game, what would that be?

Before I answer that question, I would like to share with you a design philosophy behind a game called Risk of Rain. It goes something like …

• Design a game that is randomly generated every play-through, to keep replayability high and fresh.
• Time = difficulty. The higher the in-game time gets, the harder the difficulty gets. Keeping a sense of urgency keeps the game exciting!
• Be enjoyable, regardless of whether you win or lose. No more fussing with complex and non-intuitive gameplay patterns. Players should not blame the game for their loss!

Personally, I thought it was really cool, pretty close to what I would envisage the design of my own game be.

Having said that, I would take it further.

• The graphic doesn’t define a game. Game-play does.
• There has to be an element of randomness. Better still, user-created content.
• It has got to be easy to pick up, and challenging to master. Way too many games that have no depth or a few rare gems that are challenging to master, but way too difficult to pick up. We are humans. Most give up easily.
• Sandbox or a good degree of freedom to achieve user-defined goals is important. Being too prescriptive can be perceived as linear. Life is a journey. Let gamers play the game they enjoy playing.
• There should be a good balance of quick wins versus time-invested rewards. We love it rough. But not all the time. There must be an alternative path to the same goal.
• Revival is key. Stagnancy is the culprit of a game on the decline. Fresh content. Change of meta. People need to keep playing, for good reason.
• Listen to feedback. Active listening, I mean.