Author: Wilfrid

Today was a rainy day. Even snow in the south. After a long day work, I left the client place at 7:10pm (very late to French standard), jumped into the RER (that is the MRT) and got off somewhere near Arc de Triumphe, dashed into one of the nearest restaurant. One thing about the tables in France is, very small and people sit very very close to each other. There was a couple sat next to me and they spoke very strong American accent. Guess they are American. It is not my policy to listen to other people’s conversation but the lady spoke quite loud and I could not help it. The girl is a Class C Lady (see footnote 1) by the way.

They started with some business conversation and,
Her : ….. PC ……
Him : You mean Personal Computer ?
Her : No, it’s Political Correctness.
[Alright, so they are colleagues]

Before I ordered my food, they ordered before me. The man asked for House Wine and the waiter suggested Beaujolais (New wine, just come out last week. Still very young, 1996, and it tasted quite nice. Very fruity.)

Him : Is it the cheapest wine ?
[Cheapy, if you want to buy the lady a diner, you’ve got to forget about budget]

The salad arrived for them and suddenly the lady reached for her handbag and took out the pills. She took it with the wine.

Her : I better not forget ….
[Wow, what does that mean ? Telling your colleague that you are very environmental friendly and never use plastic ?]

My live clams (just for a change, having live oyster for too long) arrived and the lady looked at my clams.

Her : Yuck ! I can never image how people can manage it…..
Him : ….. culture ……
Her : Still, it’s impossible ….
[So sister, it’s the French culture indeed. Here is not America my friend. After all, how did pre-historic human beings coped before God set the forest on fire with the first lightning ? It’s good and it’s healthy. Leave me alone !]

The man poured wine into the lady’s glass.

Her : So, you are trying to get me drunk.
Him : (quiet)
Her : I still remember the first time when we got drunk with wine.
[So, that’s how everything started ? Got drunk and em ?]

The lady posed a “kiss me” gesture and the man kissed her on the lips.
[Ah, and they are not colleague after all]

Her : So what are you going to do tonight ?
[The lady made the first move. They are not colleague but are they lover ?]

Her : Just imagine that one day I have a wedding in Paris and You have a wedding in Paris as well, what will we do ?
[You mean you guys will bang each other ? Does that mean you are not lovers right now ?]

I finished my clams and my main course arrived.

Her : I am a nice girl ….. not with any one I know … personal …… sexual …
[Oh wait a minute, definitely it doesn’t look like they are lover, does it ? A very daring and desperate attempt.]

The lady posed yet another “kiss me” gesture but this time the man refused to kiss her.
[Doesn’t look good, does it ? Guess your chance of having fun tonight is 50-50]

Her : I do not get jealous ….
[So you guys did break up and haven’t seem each other for a while. Now I begin to see the picture]

I finished my main course and asked for my coffee. The lady seemed to be quite unhappy.

Her : So, this is the last time I suppose.
Him : (pause for a long while) Yes.
She looked very sad and gently caressed the face of her ex-lover.
[How sad]

I asked for my bill. And so did the lady.

Her : I think we should have more wine.
Him : (shake head)
[A very last try. Sorry girl you are not my type, otherwise …]

Kind of a surprise that the lady paid the bill instead. At the end, she said “Thanks to my Mum”. They left the restaurant without holding hands or hugging each other.

Wilf @ Paris.

Hi people,

When I realized that I am suffered from Win95 Virtual Insanity, it’s already too late. No matter what, don’t use Win95 intensively. Please don’t be like me. I am at a point of no return and have buried myself in the madness of Virtual New Age. I hope this message will be taken seriously and I hope this message will prevent future generations, who are bright and young and virtually sane, from suffering Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf’s Journal Summary from Day One …..

You know when you have used your computer plus Win95 for too long. (Just like me, I switch on my computer to check mail before I am even awake.)

[1] I woke up each morning, spending a couple of minutes, making sure that all my brain neurons are okay. Just like the message : Memory 32768 KB OK

[2] And now I suffer from the habit of deliberately clearing my throat before I get out of bed, making the noise of kark kark kaaaarrk. Just like the sound of the floppy and hard disk drive every time you boot up. Also when someone asks me to do something, I will go : kark kark kaaaarrk.

[3] And when I feel sick, perhaps a Virus Attack, I will turn my shelves and drawers upside down to look for the Norton Anti-virus Update. But in fact, the cold medicine is right there on the table.

[4] Occasionally, when I am doing some push-ups and my muscles fail to do so after a few up-and-down. I will swear to myself, “General Protection Fault (GPF) at “.

[5] When someone ask me something I don’t know, I will reply, “Host unreachable.”

[6] And when they ask me something I don’t have, I will reply, “File not found.”

[7] And when they ask me “Is it alright to go out with your girlfriend just for a day ?”. I will reply “Sharing Violation reading . Abort, Retry, Fail ?”

[8] And when they ask me to do something I don’t want to do, I will reply “Your command has performed an illegal operation. I have to shut you down. Please if problem persist.”

[9] And when they ask me my birthday or anything personal, I will demand a password.

[10] And when I found that there’s another man on my lover’s bed, I will just HANG and wait for a Ctl-Alt-Del command.

[11] Once in a while, I will meditate for an hour or two just to “defragment” my mind. And of course, I scan my neurons everyday to make sure that there is no bad sector.

[12] Whenever I am waiting, I see an illusion. There is an hour-glass right in front of me.

[13] Each night when I go to sleep, I see the message “Please wait while your brain shuts down”. And just like Win95, sometime it just hangs there. I guess in reality, that is called sleepless night. I know when my sleep is successful when I read “It is now safe to switch off your mind.”

[14] I begin to abuse the word “replicate” or “truncate”, or even “up/download”. Instead of asking “So, what have you been doing ?” I will say “Please replicate the database concerning your status”. Instead of saying “I beg your pardon ?”. I will ask “Message Truncated. Could you please refresh truncated document (F9) ?” And I will say “May I upload you with my idea” or “Please download your opinion to me, I am absolutely lost.”

[15] And when somebody is trying to bullshit me with all the nonsense, I will tell him/her that there is a compilation error, fatal error at you head.

[16] Every morning when I have to decide what to wear, I look into my control panel to browse my Microsoft Plus – Themes.

[17] I seems to be able to derive more excitement when my programs are working as compare to my relationship. Pure ecstasy.

[18] When they ask me my address, I will tell them : 128.AC.BeachRoad.19

[19] I begin to wonder whether my neurons are connected in token-ring or ethernet.

[20] Whenever I bought a new stationary, I will perform a proper procedure. First go into Control Panel. Select Add/Remove New Hardware. Select the driver needed for that new piece of stationary and then restart my brain.

[21] If I didn’t have a pleasant sleep, i.e. previously shutdown of my brain not properly done, I will begin the day with SAFE MODE.

You see, I am in total madness. Any consolation is welcome. By the way, I am not quite there yet. Wait till I wake up one day, scanning all my neurons, start singing “BEEP BEEP” and clear my throat “kark kark kaarrrk”, then I am truly insane (which is not far away).

I wish you all the best and please prevent yourself from suffering the Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Regards,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality