By definition, the word melancholy as I have discovered today means to reflect deep sad thought with no obvious reason, which is not far from how I have interpreted it and how I have experienced it.
I enjoy spending time with people. But I also enjoy spending time alone observing, self-reflecting, and going through the process of art creation such as music, drawing, photography, and writing.
Ever since I bought a set of outdoor table and chairs, my balcony has become my favorite place in my home. I would bring my Sonos speaker out, fill up a glass of wine, and think.
I would go through the day, pick up the memorable bits – happy or sad – and run it through my head again and again. The process is no different from video editing. 12 hours may have passed and the day gets fragmented and stitched into a short video clip distorted with feeling and emotion amplified and the what-if and could have been.
I have been told that I am a melancholy person (perhaps that’s why I know what it is while not knowing exactly what it means). And I believe that at times, others know me better than I know myself. It is like a lens that I wear that prompts me to see the world in a veil of temporary sadness.
But why? I seriously don’t know.
It could be a self-balancing act. During the day, I tend to see the world in a good light, blocking off negative thoughts and observations. But this internal mechanism needs a recharge. When I am alone, I would need to come face to face with the suppressed emotion or thought. Not in its entirety. At least the significant bits.
Now, imagine, what if I had a terrible day? I would simply crash when I am alone. Until my internal mechanism of self-balancing gets recharged and kicked in.
There are happy days of course. A healthy salad bowl for lunch. Fresh paint. A nap that I wish I had (as I stayed late last night drawing this). The sound of the construction nearby. Anticipation and joy. A new pair of glasses. Sumptuous vegetarian meal. Christmas coming and people shopping for gifts. Smile. Laugher. More smile and laughter.
Even on a happy day like today, as I sit at the balcony listening to Lucia’s Without You playing through my Sonos speaker, overseeing the night view of the Singapore skyline, hearing the sound of the raindrop, and feeling the gentle night breeze, I can’t stop but think, what if today fades away and gets buried deep inside my memory that I can no longer retrieve in the far future?
Melancholy, a feeling of pensive sadness, tropically with no obvious cause.
What a wonderful day and a beautiful night. I shall end this post with a positive note.
At this very moment, I am happy.