In this island of Thrapswana where her native inhabitants live in isolation from the rest of the universe, lead scientist Vector Eden has a vision: To mutate and transform all existing chickens into the long extinct ostrich. It was a grand vision. One that guaranteed a promotion within Poultry Inc. Incredible funding in the scale of billions of dollars was poured into this scientific exploration. It was one of those journeys that has to succeed, in whichever forms and by whatever means. Vector Eden – young and charming – has won many endorsements. But that was from within Poultry Inc. What about the rest of the world?
In a recent customer survey, no one seemed to care what went into a poultry burger. One customer went by the name of Thunder said, “In the end of the day, a burger is a burger. I want my food fast and that’s all that I care. But seriously, can you tell between minced duck and minced goose? Just don’t charge me more now that it is rebranded as ostrich!”
The Mayor however was less than impressed with the new initiative. “Tell me one thing. If right now I am having trouble in auditing the parts that go into a chicken patty, what makes you think that it is easier to tell ostrich meat from ostrich intestine when it is all mashed up. You get my drift?”
Sure, Mr. Mayor. Wise as ever.
The chicken farmers though were less than thrilled about this new announcement. One farmer who did not wish to be named lamented, “Everything works fine. We don’t need no ostrich. What’s wrong with chickens you tell me? We have built our farms and infrastructure to process chicken meat. We handle chicken eggs with one hand. There are containers built just to distribute chicken eggs. Are you going to have an ostrich egg for breakfast? You can have one chicken egg for breakfast. Maybe two. Ostrich eggs. Are you nuts? So why are we getting rid of the chickens again?”
Vector Eden sang a different tune. “Human psychology tells us one thing. We don’t like change. Nature tells us one thing. Change is the only certainty. History tells us one thing. Resistance is futile. Let me tell you one thing. The entire chicken model is a failure. We need a much stronger poultry that has a much better resistance to flu and diseases. This is a revolution. No. This, is an evolution!”
To preserve the existing chicken business, Poultry Inc. has offered free services in transforming existing chicken eggs into ostrich eggs and mutating existing chickens into ostriches. To spread out the initial load, farmers turned in their eggs and livestock in batches. Carefully labeling each chicken and egg with serial numbers and the owners’ initials, the farmers handed over their livelihoods to Poultry Inc. in good faith trusting that everything would be fine.
“In retrospect, we should have seen this coming,” continued the unnamed farmer in a second interview. “Thousands of chickens and eggs were lost, and still are. We have the orders but we can’t fulfill. Fast food restaurants are not getting the chickens. Customers are not getting the burgers. I am not having my eggs for breakfast. This is a lose-lose-lose situation. How much are these scientists drawing again?”
The widespread collapse of poultry supply has created one giant media disaster. One day, our hero Dooku was called into NMU*. His boss spoke with a genuine urgency, “Dooku, we have a situation.”
*Noise management unit – A rebranded department within Poultry Inc.
Dooku nodded coolly, knowing exactly what was to come.
“We need you to help handling these lost chicken and egg cases,” his boss continued.
“Sure,” replied Dooku, “I have one question though.”
“Shoot!”
“Which cases come first? Chicken or egg?”
His boss was not amused and soon, Dooku found himself drowned in a sea of queries and requests.
“Where are my ostriches?! I need them today!”
“If I don’t get my eggs by the end of this month, my farm will be out of business!”
“Our factory needs to supply poultry patty to the restaurants. Can the farmers have the chickens back please?”
“Why are you not replying?”
“Hello?”
The most hilarious query that Dooku has come across perhaps was this one below.
“Please rectify whatever needs rectifying, it seems like that would be everything. I assumed (Ass-U-Me) when I put a chicken into your state-of-the-art mutation engine, it would come out an ostrich. Obviously I was wrong. The chicken disappeared instead!”
Dooku wished that there was something he could really help. But these were no honey jars; this was not a marketplace; and Dooku was no longer a chef. Day in and day out, Dooku struggled with what he did not understand. Some science jargon that was way beyond his comprehension. One day, Dooku had a dream. In his dream, he was pushed into the mutation engine and was turned into an ostrich. Have the problems gone away? No. The farmers kept up with the chasing. Where are my ostriches? Where are my eggs?
Dooku the Ostrich kept running. The voices would not go away! They hunted Dooku down in day, haunted him at night. Fed up with the entire universe of merde de la merde, with his new found power thanks to the improved ostrich DNA, in one grand swift moment, Dooku buried his head into the sand.
All of a sudden, in this dream island of Thrapswana, all his troubles seemed so far away.
* * * * *
This entry, like all my Dooku related entries, is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons and situations in real life can only be a coincidence. If it was up to me, I would mutate chicken into dodo. When I was working in Mauritius, I was told that the forty pound wild birds were all eaten by the Dutch sailors. What a pity though. Dodo was such a majestic species (picture taken from Wikipedia.org).
