Win95 Insanity

Hi people,

When I realized that I am suffered from Win95 Virtual Insanity, it’s already too late. No matter what, don’t use Win95 intensively. Please don’t be like me. I am at a point of no return and have buried myself in the madness of Virtual New Age. I hope this message will be taken seriously and I hope this message will prevent future generations, who are bright and young and virtually sane, from suffering Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Wilf’s Journal Summary from Day One …..

You know when you have used your computer plus Win95 for too long. (Just like me, I switch on my computer to check mail before I am even awake.)

[1] I woke up each morning, spending a couple of minutes, making sure that all my brain neurons are okay. Just like the message : Memory 32768 KB OK

[2] And now I suffer from the habit of deliberately clearing my throat before I get out of bed, making the noise of kark kark kaaaarrk. Just like the sound of the floppy and hard disk drive every time you boot up. Also when someone asks me to do something, I will go : kark kark kaaaarrk.

[3] And when I feel sick, perhaps a Virus Attack, I will turn my shelves and drawers upside down to look for the Norton Anti-virus Update. But in fact, the cold medicine is right there on the table.

[4] Occasionally, when I am doing some push-ups and my muscles fail to do so after a few up-and-down. I will swear to myself, “General Protection Fault (GPF) at “.

[5] When someone ask me something I don’t know, I will reply, “Host unreachable.”

[6] And when they ask me something I don’t have, I will reply, “File not found.”

[7] And when they ask me “Is it alright to go out with your girlfriend just for a day ?”. I will reply “Sharing Violation reading . Abort, Retry, Fail ?”

[8] And when they ask me to do something I don’t want to do, I will reply “Your command has performed an illegal operation. I have to shut you down. Please if problem persist.”

[9] And when they ask me my birthday or anything personal, I will demand a password.

[10] And when I found that there’s another man on my lover’s bed, I will just HANG and wait for a Ctl-Alt-Del command.

[11] Once in a while, I will meditate for an hour or two just to “defragment” my mind. And of course, I scan my neurons everyday to make sure that there is no bad sector.

[12] Whenever I am waiting, I see an illusion. There is an hour-glass right in front of me.

[13] Each night when I go to sleep, I see the message “Please wait while your brain shuts down”. And just like Win95, sometime it just hangs there. I guess in reality, that is called sleepless night. I know when my sleep is successful when I read “It is now safe to switch off your mind.”

[14] I begin to abuse the word “replicate” or “truncate”, or even “up/download”. Instead of asking “So, what have you been doing ?” I will say “Please replicate the database concerning your status”. Instead of saying “I beg your pardon ?”. I will ask “Message Truncated. Could you please refresh truncated document (F9) ?” And I will say “May I upload you with my idea” or “Please download your opinion to me, I am absolutely lost.”

[15] And when somebody is trying to bullshit me with all the nonsense, I will tell him/her that there is a compilation error, fatal error at you head.

[16] Every morning when I have to decide what to wear, I look into my control panel to browse my Microsoft Plus – Themes.

[17] I seems to be able to derive more excitement when my programs are working as compare to my relationship. Pure ecstasy.

[18] When they ask me my address, I will tell them : 128.AC.BeachRoad.19

[19] I begin to wonder whether my neurons are connected in token-ring or ethernet.

[20] Whenever I bought a new stationary, I will perform a proper procedure. First go into Control Panel. Select Add/Remove New Hardware. Select the driver needed for that new piece of stationary and then restart my brain.

[21] If I didn’t have a pleasant sleep, i.e. previously shutdown of my brain not properly done, I will begin the day with SAFE MODE.

You see, I am in total madness. Any consolation is welcome. By the way, I am not quite there yet. Wait till I wake up one day, scanning all my neurons, start singing “BEEP BEEP” and clear my throat “kark kark kaarrrk”, then I am truly insane (which is not far away).

I wish you all the best and please prevent yourself from suffering the Win95 Virtual Insanity.

Regards,
Wilf.insane @ virtual.reality