dear so-and-so – WilfridWong.com

Dear SMRT – This Fine Idea Is Not Too Fine Eh?

What a crazily busy week at work, and hence the lack of frequent updates. I wish I was sipping lemon juice by a swimming pool full of gorgeous looking babes holidaying somewhere at the Mediterranean sea and hey, THAT was the reason I have not been writing lately. OK. I have to start separating what is in my head from what is real. This morning, I saw a car stopped on the side of the road with a punctured tire. Then I saw another one. And another one. What would I do? What would you do? I took out my phone and updated my status in Facebook, like what the millions of Singaporeans who suffer from ‘mobile phone syndrome’ would do. As I drove inside a neighborhood, I got lost, entered into some paint ball or pain ball parks, stumbled onto an outdoor media event full of anticipating photographers and event organizers busy shooing me out of the way. Then I bumped onto my friend and her husband. She told me excitingly that she saw one of my cousins, who is now pregnant, somewhere in the crowd. I was so excited because I have not seen my cousins for donkey number of years, since my sister’s wedding night. So I pushed through the crowd, eager to meet my cousin. All of a sudden, I have this urge to pee. Huge urge. Mother nature has recalled me back to where I really am. And I woke up.

That Facebook update still looks very real to me. I checked my Facebook this morning. It is not there. It would have been freaky if otherwise.

You know the drill. Another dear so-and-so entry. Have a good weekend!

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Dear SMRT,

I can totally see where you are coming from. Not all of us are professionally trained to perform the displays of affection in public (a.k.a. PDA), like the Hollywood stars. Even in movies, not all kissing scenes are created equal. I struggle to decide who kisses the best on silver screen. If Robert Pattinson was to look healthier in that vampire saga, I would vote for him and his kissing partner Kristen Stewart. So, to be fair, Homer and Marge – who recently featured in Playboy – get the golden kiss award from me. Speaking from the years of kissing experience, I think passionate kissing technique takes time to fruition. Some couples may have taken a bit to far when practicing on the train. Should they be fined S$500 if they fail to please the crowd and cause ‘nuisance’? I think learning how to kiss is like learning how to cycle. You can cycle all you like inside a HDB void deck. But nothing beats practicing on the road. The other day (which is a day many years ago), I was in UK. It was quite an eye-opener to see a couple passionately kissing in front of my university’s library. What a lucky dude! The girl was gyrating all over him. Now that, is passion. We need more of such in Singapore. Personally, I think S$500 is a bit heavy for couples who do a lousy job. Perhaps lower it to, say, S$5? To make up for the lost revenue, I would propose a new fine for those who may have caused a nuisance in the train. Untreated body odor. How much should this new fine be then? The current fine for carrying inflammable items is S$5,000. OK, that is a bit heavy for B.O. Smoking is S$1,000 while food and drink is S$500. I would say B.O. is of the similar category of food and drink. Both are, in a sense, nasal harassment. If we don’t like what we see, we can always close our eyes or look elsewhere. I can’t say the same for odor. What do you think?

When I read the news, it looks as though this new fine of yours is in response to someone posting a video of a couple passionately kissing on the train to STOMP – a citizen-journalism website. Now, why do we take this website so seriously? I do not know (lack of better things to talk about in Singapore?) Let’s not forget that it is the same website that led us to a wild bear hunt. 12 employees from the Singapore Zoo, four policemen, and three members from a nature group spent hours searching the forest to look for a bear. Did we find the bear? Had there been one and had it been not as smart as Mas Selamat, I am sure we could have found it, eventually. No. The ‘bear’ was merely some PR stuns, which looking at the poor quality video, it looks hauntingly real, like the King Kong in the 1933 film, like my Facebook update in my dream. According the report in STOMP, the PR company should be fined S$1,000. I think STOMP should be fined S$1,000 instead.

I adore the now-defunct “Train is coming, train is coming, train is COMING!” jingle. Alas, what a bunch of whiners we have in Singapore. And now, the jingle is gone. For a moment, I thought we were truly unique. Where in the world would a jingle be played when a train is approaching the platform? It always put a smile to my face making me eager to board the train and live the day. So on the record, I love the trainiscoming jingle. That is original, that is dare to change. Back to the S$500 fine for PDA, I wanted to propose dedicating a section of the train for the open-minded passengers who are OK with couples practice kissing on the train – same sex, different sexes. Now, that is bold, and original. Singapore Tourism Board would love it. But looking at how the jingle is being shot down by the public, this too looks like a no-go.

I don’t envy your job.

Dear SBY – Indonesia On Fire And Singapore In Smoke

Dear SBY: I am a huge fan of you. I voted for you to be the next Indonesia president – in my heart. The same thing I did for Obama years later. Guess what? Both of you have won. I knew somehow, by the power of the invisible universal linkages, my vote counts. Anyway, back to the purpose of this letter. As you may know by now that Indonesia is again on fire. And Singapore is hence in smoke. In Spanish, there is a saying: no hay mal que por bien no venga. That roughly translates to without bad things, good things won’t come. Or in English, every haze has a silver lining. It is true. The other day, my wife and I got into our car, drove out of our condo, and under a thick blanket of haze I pointed at the sky and exclaimed, “Look at that orange salted egg yolk in the sky!” It was beautiful. National Geography should visit Singapore for a special tour. Just like what they did for Australia when the sandstorm appeared not too long ago. We debated what it could be. Cynthia said it was the sun. I said it was the moon and later on corrected myself that it should be the planet Mars.

I read with great interest that in your world, your people set fire on land in order to create land space for agriculture and what not. I turned to my wife from Indonesia one evening and asked, “Why not chop the trees and sell the wood instead of burning them away?” I am a big fan of deforestation. I think we have way passed the point of no return as far as global warming is concerned. Cynthia’s immediate reaction was that it is much effective and efficient to use fire. In normal days, if Singapore was 10,000 km away from your country like we to Spain, I would not even care the why and the how. Like Madagascar that has lost 90% of the original forest due to human activities such as slash-and-burn farming. Do you care? Do I care?

I cannot argue with the fact that this haze that lingers despite the heavy downpour we have in Singapore has created some of the most romantic atmosphere. This dusk, while I was driving on the highway, under the orange color street lamps, I could see rows and rows of orange spheres floating meters above the ground diffused onto each other. What a beautiful yet unusual sight! Some cars turned on the fog light, which in normal days I would have cursed upon their inconsiderate act of hurting my eyes while trying to look cool. But today, I felt the necessity, for better road safety. Still, there was a terrible accident on the highway. One car was sandwiched by two taxis. Was it something to do with the haze? Nobody knows. When will the haze disappear? Nobody knows. Will your people finally try other ways to create fields? You tell me. Nobody knows.

On a lighter topic, I am often intrigued by Indonesia politics. I like the president who could not see. I also like the president who was a housewife. Out of all the presidents you have, the picture of Habibie holding a shoe inside his car is my favorite. It was featured on the newspapers around the world. If I remember correctly, he had visited a local market, bought himself a pair of Indonesian made shoes, and the message he was trying to convey was: buy local. I wish Singaporean could do the same. The other day, I was eying on the World of Warcraft Headset proudly produced by a Singaporean based manufacturer called Creative. It features a – allow me to quote from the brochure – professional grade microphone, ensuring everyone can hear your shout of “Heal Me! Heal Me!” in all of its resonant glory. I want it bad. But when I compare the price in Singapore with the same headset that is sold in America, it is still cheaper to import from US than to buy local. Imagine the carbon footprint involved! Whenever I ponder upon this, the imagine of Habibie pops up in my head, with him holding out his shoe inside his car mouthing: buy local. What do you think? Shall I import the headset from US, save some money, and screw the environment?

Where was I? Oh, I remember. I am writing to petition on behalf of all the residents including my mother-in-law and my relatives who live next to Bandung Supermal. Ever since the arrival of a mall – which I must say, it looks grand and suiting to the most beautiful city in Indonesia – the residents have been under severe water shortage problem. I sincerely hope that you could personally look into this matter and have it resolved asap. Because Cynthia and I are planning to visit Bandung later this year. I still wish to shower with water, twice a day.